Breathe.

Smile.

Clean your teeth.

Dabble in yoghurt.

Release all anger and frustration when alone in the bath.

If unable to afford to travel, sleep in a different direction.

Control your bowels, unless at a bowel fetish themed party then show off.

Always attempt to breakfast before smoking.

Try to understand all viewpoints without diluting your own.

Be accommodating but never get taken as a bed and breakfast.

Eat your greens.

Remain in the light.

Never appear nude in front of a grandparent.

Tell your parents if a grandparent appears nude in front of you.

Play air guitar when the house is empty.

Find yourself but don’t get found out.

Acknowledge herbal remedies as an alternative but when hungover use a product a rabbit died for.

Be aware that drunken debates on the wonder of ‘Spangles’, ‘Texan Bars’ and ‘Hector’s House’ are utterly boring to those born in the eighties.

Do not discuss the semiotics of ‘The Name of the Rose’ by Umberto Eco with only having seen the film and not read the book in smart company.

Do the Ostrich when two or more hours are missing from the night before.

Abstain from saying ‘I saw so and so band when they played with a drum machine at the Fruit and Fart in Shitsville and could never imagine paying to see them at Earls Court’ because it’s tedious and can cause highly visual yawns.

Realise that urban myths are universal and not solely witnessed by yourself.

Avoid people who claim to know Steve Strange.

Remember that one Charles Bukowski poem fully read allows one to be totally fluent with the entire canon of his work.

Fruit is form and function.

‘Loaded’ magazine is pornography for short people who are unable to reach the top shelf.

Use a condom but not if masturbating alone.

Remember ‘short hair big chin, long hair big chin not noticeable until witnessed at point blank range’.

Sometimes it is better to drink than think but try to avoid doing both at the same time.

Seventy five percent of people with records by 'The Beautiful South' are being mocked without realising it.

This is mass market irony and a good thing especially if your mook of a brother-in-law has the greatest hits.

Irony is getting harder and harder to pull off in civilised circles.

The C Word is not big or clever, but can be used when watching repeats of ‘The Sweeney’ on satellite television.

The Internet is a bit like CB Radio was to the early eighties only you find it in cities as opposed to just the provinces.

Those that do, do; those that can't get funding, teach, stack shelves, sell tickets, pawn family heirlooms, develop drug habits, wait tables and generally experience feelings of white rage bitterness.

This can be constructive in group therapy and could lead to sexual interactions.

Don't believe the hype unless it's about yourself and can get you a good table in a restaurant.

Always be backwards in coming forwards.

Good spelling is the opium of the masses.

Judge the work before the person.

There is always one more drink before suicide.

Apathy is time consuming.

Enjoy the lemon light because it's more accessible than the lime light.

You may only be a footnote in someone else's biography but wear size tens.

Admit to yourself early on that what you want chances are you will never find but the important thing is to keep looking and looking and looking and looking and looking
and looking and looking and looking
and looking and looking
and looking.

Royston Swarbrooke

“I wrote Big Ocean Autocue in response to all those lists that appear in style magazines listing “a hundred things you should have done before you turned thirty” or “how to be positive in negative company” etc and blah, blah, blah. It’s just popular culture gone AWOL. At the time of writing I am awaiting the outcome of an interview to be an extra in the new Star Wars film playing a Storm Trooper (the pinnacle of my six year acting career) and have a term’s teaching in South London starting in September, which can only benefit from being on first name terms with Darth Vader.”